Connor's First Day of Preschool.

I cannot believe it even typing the title of my post.  It does not seem like he should be starting preschool already. I guess I just didn't realize how hard it was actually going to be. I couldn't even talk about it to Corey because I would cry every time. So he just stopped bringing it up. But the day finally came to actually bring him to school. Corey and I would joke and say I probably wouldn't even take him so he came with me to make sure.

Connor seemed fully confident in starting school. Which made me a little more at ease. He was excited about all the things I told him he would get to do there. So the night before we went grocery shopping for his lunches to figure what to pack him since we couldn't make our usual peanut butter and nutella (Connor's absolute favorite and must have on a daily basis). They informed us that another child had a nut allergy so that left us wandering around the store figuring out what Connor would eat for lunch all while he took a very hard nap in the buggy so no help from him. 

We got home and I got his clothes laid out, lunch packed and ready to go, all his papers signed, and nap mat rolled up placed by the door. We were ready to go! That morning I woke him up and got him dressed and out the door. We listened to our Ready for School Sesame Street CD on the way to school and he was excited. We walked in and then he just froze. All confidence out the door. So I stayed for about 20 minutes trying to convince him of how much fun they will have after the parents leave. As me and Corey walked back down the hall he came running after me calling for me. They got him and took him back to his room. I went to my car and cried like a little baby. Corey went on to work and I went home. I debated going back and picking him up. I even called Corey asking if I should go check on him or get him. He talked me out of it. 

We finally picked him up around 3 and he didn't even want to leave! He had so much fun. He met a bunch of new friends, painted a picture, and got to play outside. He even took a nap for them (which I was very worried about). All in all I was so proud of my big boy!! Me on the other hand handled the day like a big baby.


I have cared and loved this boy for all of his life and spent not many of his days away from me. It is such a bittersweet experience. It breaks my heart to know that he is growing up and will soon not need me as much or get to spend everyday together, but it also brings joy to my heart knowing he is learning and growing into a beautiful and smart little boy. One that is so curious about EVERYTHING. Although he gets mad at me for calling him my baby, that is what he will always be. God truly blessed me when he sent Connor Hayes Crumpton into my life. 

Mother's Day.

This is my second Mother's Day without my mom. Definitely easier than last year, but still a sadden day.
This whole week the only thing that has been on my mind is my mama. I keep thinking of all the little things she use to do for us. How her being my mother shaped me into the person I am and mostly into the mother I am to my son. I find myself doing the same things to Connor as she had for me. And if they aren't done the same, I feel they are wrong. Silly to someone else I know, but to me that is the way I was taught. I know my son will never quite understand my ways in raising him and the love I have for him. Just because my mother gave me the most unconditional love. I just wish so badly he could have grown up with my mother's influence on him. Just because of the huge impact she made on my life. 

This Mother's Day I will spend the day with Connor and think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing boy and also think on how blessed I was to have such an amazing mother who not only loved me and cared for me but showed me how to be the best mother I could be. She was the true example of a loving mother. I hope I lead in her footsteps and become the person she was to me, to my son.

I hope everyone has a Happy Mother's Day and for God to give anyone that has lost their mother comfort on this day and have joy in the remembrance of the time they had with them.

Proverbs 31:26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Does time really heal?

It has been one year and seven months since my mother passed away.  When you lose someone so close and dear to you you go through the seven stages of grief.  
1. Shock & Denial- Which denial kind of goes with all of them for me  2. Pain & Guilt- Definitely a hard one because you feel so much guilt from the things you said in the past to that person or things you wish you would have said. I wish so badly I could tell her how much she impacted my life and how much she meant to me and that I love her.  3. Anger & Bargaining- This one was a pretty hard one to deal with.  I definitely bargained with God so many times to just bring her back. I asked Him "why her?" all the time. Although I know it was God's plan, understanding that is very hard at times. Corey definitely had to put up with a lot on this one because I would lash out and he wouldn't understand why and there was no way to explain the hurt.  4. Depression, Reflection, & Loneliness- After people's life goes on you are still in grief and you definitely feel very lonely. Things happen everyday to people and once the news wears off and months have gone by, you are there to deal with it alone. You fake many smiles during this time.  5. The Upward Turn- This is when you start to get back in routine of life. 6. Reconstruction & Working Through- When you start focusing your mind on different things and start to move forward. 7. Acceptance & Hope- You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. And hope to find happiness.

Everyone is different and everyone deals with these stages at different times and in different ways.  I guess I am finally at stage seven. I feel for the first time in over a year and a half actually happy. Although with that happiness you feel guilt. Guilt for moving on, guilt for being happy and wanting to start life again. I know it's okay to be happy and I know she wouldn't want anything other than that, but you can't help feel that way.  I guess you kind of want to stay in that grief because that is when you feel closest to them. When I started to begin moving forward and being happy I felt as if I were leaving her behind. But I am working on it and I am so glad God has helped me to get to this point. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and would do anything for me and I have a beautiful son that thinks I hung the moon. I have many blessings to be thankful for and I count them every night.  It's a struggle to get through something like this and without God I could not have done it. I am thankful for all my wonderful family and friends that have been there. I think about my mother everyday and probably will until the day I die.
She was such an amazing woman. So from now on I am going to try be happy and to just be the person she knew I could be. <3

This little thing called life.

Well January has definitely not been our month.  As I am sure most of you know back in August I totaled my car and broke my nose. So with having surgery done and planning a wedding, buying another vehicle just wasn't on the top of our "to do list". Then October came and Corey was in a wreck a woman hit him and totaled his truck.  With not much of vehicle funds to spare we found Corey what we thought to be a really good truck for the money. Little did we know, not so much.

We kept saying a new year will be better.  We will start over! So I finally got my final surgery done and the same weekend my husband gets a call that he got the job in Carrollton, GA (which we were really excited about). So we decided after I recover he will come pick us up and take us to Carrollton with him and then we will come back home so we can have the truck. Well my recovery took longer than expected and was horrible. The doctor said I wasn't resting enough and to stop bending over when I pick Connor up (Ha! He must not have kids). Then Connor got sick, and still is. So Corey came home Wednesday to pick us up as planned and right when he pulled in the truck broke down.  Luckily, his sister, Amanda let us borrow her car to take to Carrollton for the night.  So now still not breathing good with my nose, a very sick little boy, my husband out of town and no way to see him, and no vehicle....this year has definitely started out not the way we had planned.  I guess you can say I have turned into one emotional girl. Which Corey just keeps saying It will be okay and everything will work out. Although I trust him and know he is probably right, but I guess the woman is the worrier.

So last night I was laying in bed doing what I am sure every woman in the world does at night. Going over every little thing you need to pay and all the things you need to do or finish. Just pretty much stressing myself out even more. So I got on Facebook and a bible verse was posted.
James 1:2,3 My friends, be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble. You know that you learn to endure by having your faith tested. 
And in that instant I realized how silly I sounded by stressing so much. God has taken care of me my whole life and has never forsaken me.  So why would he now? I just needed a reminder that He will get us through this just as he has every other obstacle in our life.

So still with all the same issues going on when I woke up, I felt a little better about them. Because I know we will get through it and soon it will just be another memory we will look back at and know we made it passed!   

My sick little boy.

Connor's 3rd Birthday!!

Has another year gone by already? It seems like they just keep going by faster and faster. I cannot believe my little boy is now three. It seems just like yesterday I was laying in the hospital bed waiting for the doctors to come back to get me for my C-section. They came in at 12 p.m. and by 12:55 p.m. my little boy was born. He was 19 1/2 inches long and weighed 7 pounds and 11 onces. They carried him over to me and he was a little blue baby and blinked so slowly. They took to me the recovery room and then back to my room. After waiting the longest four hours of my life I finally got to see and hold my new miracle in my life. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck so they had to keep him under oxygen (hints why he was so blue). All I kept hearing was my dad saying "he lift the oxygen thing right up!!". Corey would take pictures of him and bring them back for me to look at. I will never forget the day my life changed. I was sitting in the hospital room holding him and my mother was sitting next to me and all of a sudden he just lifts his little head up, only a few hours old, and looked at me. I looked at my mom and said "is that normal?" she laughed and said "no..". And now it feels I have blinked my eyes and here we are now and he is turning three years old. He still a very strong little boy and keeps me busy at all times. He so compassionate and observant. I tell him all the time how lucky he is going to make a woman one day. He apologizes before I even have to ask him to and always notices if I change anything. He was definitely a God send miracle and God definitely knew what he was doing when he sent him to me. Although I was so young when I had him, I would not change a thing. Because he helped me grow into the person I am today. He has taught me so much and I have gained a new respect for my parents now knowing what all they sacrificed and the love they gave to me that was unconditional. It has been a rollercoaster these past three years and he has been by his mommy's side the whole way. No matter what I have gone through I know I always have that little smile to give me hope. He is my little bundle of joy. Although it was only the two of us at the beginning we are now a complete family that I am so thankful for and I love the two boys in my life! I can't wait to see what this new chapter holds for our  little family. Maybe it will grow soon? Well, okay, probably not too soon! :) Happy 3rd Birthday Connor Hayes Crumpton!  Mommy loves you very much!!

Connor under oxygen.

My beautiful baby boy!

Connor on his first birthday!

Connor on his second birthday!

Connor's 3rd Birthday!!

Our Wedding Weekend.

So, last weekend (September 17, 2011) I became a married woman.  It was an AMAZING weekend. I got to reconnect with old friends, make new memories, and become an official family.  It was Connor's first time at the beach and he absolutely loved it.  From the moment we got there we ran out to the beach and Connor didn't leave the beach until we left.  It will be a weekend I will never forget. 

All of mine and Corey's friends came and we spent the whole weekend reminiscing on old memories and laughing.  Everyone pitched in and helped us get everything together and I honestly could not have done it without everyone's help!! The service was beautiful!  Bro. Bill Lutz did an amazing job and spoke so beautifully.  He made it so personal and sentimental.  I know my mother was watching down and smiling over me that day.  She would have enjoyed that weekend so much. One of the main reasons I wanted a beach wedding was because the beach was my mother's favorite place to be.  She actually gave me the idea years ago about renting a beach house and doing the wedding there and having the reception at the house. 

I am so thankful for all of my family and friends.  Each and everyone of you mean so much to me. Me and Corey are so blessed to have so many people that love and care about us.  I just hope our marriage continues to prosper and our family continues to grow.  So thank you to EVERYONE that came and helped us on the day that started our new life together. So please pray for us as we start this new chapter in our life.

God's fingerprints.

So today Corey came in and told me he had to go to Maryland for the whole weekend (my birthday weekend).  I was disappointed, but being use to his work I know it comes with the job. So I as I began to pack his suitcase as I always do I noticed there was a book in it. Curious to know what book it was I opened it up to a random page and started reading it. I love those moments where you didn't even realize you needed to hear something until God just puts it right in front of your face. I loved it so much I had to share with all of you....

Remember that Everything Has God's Fingerprints on It

By:  Richard Carlson, chapter 49

"Rabbi Harold Kushner reminds us that everything that God has created is potentially holy.  Our task as humans is to find that holiness in what appears to be unholy situations.  He suggests that when we can learn to do this, we will have learned to nurture our souls.  It's easy to see God's beauty in a beautiful sunrise, a snow-capped mountain, the smile of a healthy child, or in ocean waves crashing on a sandy beach.  But can we learn to find the holiness in seemingly ugly circumstances--difficult life lessons, a family tragedy, or a struggle for life?

When our life is filled with the desire to see the holiness in everyday things, something magical begins to happen.  A feeling of peace emerges.  We begin to see nurturing aspects of daily living that were previously hidden to us.  When we remember that everything has God's fingerprints on it, that alone makes it special.  If we remember this spiritual fact while we are dealing with a difficult person or struggling to pay our bills, it broadens our perspective.  It helps us to remember that God also created the person you are dealing with or that, despite your struggle to pay your bills, you are truly blessed to have all that you do.

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, try to remember that everything has God's fingerprints on it.  The fact that we can't see the beauty in something doesn't suggest that it's not there.  Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with a broad enough perspective to see it."

This chapter of the book is so true and it helped me today so I hope it helped one you!

Wedding daze...

              

As most of you know I am getting married on September 17th.  Which is only a little over a month away! If any of you have ever planned a wedding you know that it is one of the most stressful and time consuming thing you will ever do! I am just ready for the day to be here and I can actually enjoy all this hard work I have put into it.  My sweet fiance though just puts up with my "bridezilla" mood swings. He never knows when he comes home from work if I will be excited and happy or freaking out and crying over something. I have a new respect for wedding planners. I honestly do not know how they do it for a living.  From the tiny details to picking out the venue. Doing it all on your own makes it ten times more stressful.  I feel like I am going to run out of time and money before the wedding is here, but hopefully everything will work out beautifully. I just hope Corey survives all my mental breakdowns before we walk down the aisle and we can actually start our life together! I am just excited to be at the beach with our friends and family getting to experience one of the most special moments in our life with the people we love.  

September 17, 2011

I think it's safe to say we are out of the baby stage.

  Connor will be 2 1/2 next month and it just amazes me how much my little man has grown in just the last 5 months.  I cut his hair for the FIRST TIME Monday night and I didn't realize how sad it would make me!  I pulled his baby journal out that night (big mistake!).  It brought tears to my eyes seeing how much he has accomplished over the past 2 1/2 years.  He changes everyday, learning something new.  I realized my days of bottle feeding in the middle of the night and holding his fingers while he walks is a thing of the past.  Now on to chasing him nonstop and saying "no, no Connor!" and hearing him asking me "what's that?" on a minute by minute basis.  I still don't understand why God chose me to be this beautiful miracle's mother, but I am forever grateful.  At the end of each day I am mentally and physically exhausted and counting down the minutes when Corey gets home from work, but through it all I honestly could not imagine my life without this silly and curious little boy.  People told me after I had him to cherish every moment because it goes by so fast and I always just shook my head in agreement, but is it so true! I feel like just yesterday he was my little butter bean laying in my arms.  And now he is growing into a smart and handsome little boy.  He has to know how everything works and why it does what.   My life was changed dramatically when he came into my life, he taught me how to grow and mature into the person I needed to be. If we ever make it through the "terrible two's", I will be so anxious to see what phase is next. Bring on....T-ball and preschool?? :/ Wow, that doesn't even sound right. Well, whatever comes next I guess with a box of tissues I can accept my little boy growing up.  I love you Connor Hayes Crumpton and no matter how old you are, you will always be Mommy's little boy!!

The Holidays are Here.

The holidays are bittersweet this year.  It is definitely not the same without Mama. I feel selfish because I am wanting them to hurry and get over with, but I know it's not fair to take the traditions from my son so I am trying to be strong and give him a wonderful Christmas.  I feel like breaking down and giving up everyday, but then I look at my son and hear him tell me what Santa is bringing him or see him light up when he looks at the tree and for a moment he brings me joy.

God has blessed my family in so many ways and we have so much to be thankful for and I know my Mother would want us to reflect on that and not on sadness. But sometimes it is just hard not to.  She enjoyed this time of year so much. She brought so much happiness to us with her smile and just the brightness around her. She enjoyed giving, and would be going crazy buying for Connor and Klarah. I am just thankful for all the wonderful Christmas memories we have and the traditions she has instored in us to pass on to our children.

Happy 49th birthday to my mother.

Yesterday was my mother's birthday.  She would have been 49 years old. I couldn't make myself get on facebook yesterday knowing it would have her name under birthdays.  I thought of her all day long, no matter what i was doing.  I kept thinking of what we would have been doing on that day if she were still here.  And when I imagined it, it seemed more like a memory than a fantasy.  I could picture the whole day as if we already lived it.  I could see us at the cabin and the alabama game on.  With me, Deborah, mom, and the babies piled up in the bedroom watching tv and talking and laughing.  We would have cooked a big meal and went for a walk at sunset.  I can see her smiling and probably saying something silly and us just kind of looking at her like..huh? And then her realizing it and just laughing at herself. 

She was just so full of life. She was constantly smiling and especially on days when her whole family was together.  We always just had so much fun when we were with her.  She brought everything together and brought joy to us.  You never had a dull moment when you were around her.

I just want to wish my mother a happy 49th birthday! Life will never be the same without her.  There will always be an emptiness in our lives now.  I know it will get easier with time (or at least that's what "they" say) but I don't think we will every fully accept the loss of our amazing, beautiful, and joyful mother.

Happy Birthday Mama! I love you!

Connor and his imaginary friend, Bobby.

So out of all the crazy things my son does, this has probably been my favorite.  For a little over a month now he has been talking to "Bobby".  It took us a while to catch on to what he was talking about, but now we have realized it is his imaginary friend! He tries to feed him, and he bosses him around.  It is hilarious! At night time Connor says, "night, night mommy", "night, night daddy", and "night, night Bobby".  He also has to give him night night kisses.  But what the funniest thing is, he is jealous of "bobby".  If I act like I'm giving Bobby kisses or giving him too much attention Connor gets so jealous. 

My parents always talked about me as a child and having my imaginary friend, Jessica. The stories always made me laugh so hard, but now experiencing it first hand with my child it is hilarious!  

Apparently Bobby likes to get on the fireplace (where Connor is not allowed) and Connor will say, "down, down, Bobby!". Connor also likes to blame things on Bobby.  It is definitely entertaining around here with Connor and Bobby. They are full of energy and imagination! 

Potty training.

Well Connor is learning how to potty train.  It's not a very fun milestone.  Please tell me mothers out there that it gets easier!  It's crazy how excited you get though when they actually go to the potty.  The other night me and Corey were sitting on the couch and Connor came to me saying, "tee tee mommy!"  So he grabbed my hand and brought me into the bathroom and showed me that he used his potty all by his self! I was so proud of him! He is only 20 months old, so I figured we are doing pretty good. 

The only part he has trouble with is forgetting to tell mommy or daddy he has to go BEFORE.  Sometimes he tells us during or after, but we are working on that.  I'm doing the whole "you get a treat when you potty" thing, which is helpful, but there has to be another trick! The only person I always want to ask is my mom.  So maybe me and Connor will get through this together and help each other. 

dedicated to my beautiful mother.

Well this is my first blog ever. I enjoy reading them so much i thought, why not make my own? So here it goes...no judging please. :)

When I started to think about what to write I could only think of one thing.  The one thing that stays on my mind constantly--my mother.
And since I didn't speak at her service, which kills me everyday, I will dedicate my first blog to her.  I want to tell you how amazing not only a person, but specifically, a mother she was.  

I never imagined that I would get that phone call at the age of 20.  It never crossed my mind. I thought I had many, many years to enjoy with her.  I thought she would get to watch my son grow up, but God had a different plan for my family. One that I may not understand, but one that I have to accept.   I battle with that everyday of my life.

I remember from the time I was about 3 or 4 I would get up and it would just be me and her and she would ask me every morning what I wanted for breakfast and my response every morning would be...biscuits and gravy.  So every morning she would make me homemade gravy and biscuits. Not once did she complain about making it or try to convince me to eat something else. And she cooked me breakfast until I graduated high school.  

I can't even express to all of you how much my mother taught me.  She taught me how to talk, to walk, to read, to write. My mother home schooled me 1st through 8th grade and within those years she took me on field trips to the children's theater, mounville, and all different types of factories. She wanted us to experience things and learn things for ourselves.  She taught me what it meant to be loyal, and trustworthy, and most importantly to forgive.  My mother was a true believer in forgiving even if you weren't in the wrong.  She always told us to be the bigger person because if you're angry with someone, they win because you battle with yourself.  My favorite quote from her, and she told me on a daily basis was... "Those who anger you, conquer you." 


I think the hardest part of grieving for me is I'm not only grieving my mother, but my best friend.  We were together everyday. We enjoyed all the same things and had the same taste.  I confided in her and she confided in me.  We vented to each other and comforted each other.  We would lay in bed at night and just talk for hours.  Some nights we talked about our dreams or what we were going through at that time.  Other nights we would talk about absolutely nothing, but would be laughing the whole time.  Her talks were like no other.  It was as if she would bring you to another place where it was only you and her.  I loved hearing her tell stories because she was so descriptive in how she told them.  It was as if you were actually there. She made it sound so exciting when she would change her voice for different characters or people in the story.


My mother was a kid at heart.  She got excited over the smallest things.  And I loved that about her.  Her smile just made you feel so warm inside.  The day we lost her I had the privilege of getting to spend the whole day with her.  We went and ate lunch and spent the day shopping.  She was planning on redecorating her house and so we were picking things out.  She found a comforter and I swear it was like a little kid on Christmas day.  Whenever she got excited she always would have to tickle you or pinch your ear or something.  So I was getting a lot of that that day.  We took separate cars that day and I distinctly remember looking at her driving down the interstate and thinking to myself how beautiful of a woman she was.  She just had this poise about her that was so graceful and innocent.  

When we got home that day we sat out on the front porch and talked for probably an hour.  And we talked about many things that day.  We talked about old memories and things we had planned to do.  We acted silly and laughed. That day will stay with me for the rest of  my life.

I am so thankful for the time I had with her.  And I am SO thankful for God blessing me with by far the most amazing mother in the world.  She was a rare person. She was a Godly person and it showed through her.  I will miss her everyday of my life.  I love you mama!

September 11, 1961 - July 3, 2010