It has been one year and seven months since my mother passed away. When you lose someone so close and dear to you you go through the seven stages of grief.
1. Shock & Denial- Which denial kind of goes with all of them for me 2. Pain & Guilt- Definitely a hard one because you feel so much guilt from the things you said in the past to that person or things you wish you would have said. I wish so badly I could tell her how much she impacted my life and how much she meant to me and that I love her. 3. Anger & Bargaining- This one was a pretty hard one to deal with. I definitely bargained with God so many times to just bring her back. I asked Him "why her?" all the time. Although I know it was God's plan, understanding that is very hard at times. Corey definitely had to put up with a lot on this one because I would lash out and he wouldn't understand why and there was no way to explain the hurt. 4. Depression, Reflection, & Loneliness- After people's life goes on you are still in grief and you definitely feel very lonely. Things happen everyday to people and once the news wears off and months have gone by, you are there to deal with it alone. You fake many smiles during this time. 5. The Upward Turn- This is when you start to get back in routine of life. 6. Reconstruction & Working Through- When you start focusing your mind on different things and start to move forward. 7. Acceptance & Hope- You learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. And hope to find happiness.
Everyone is different and everyone deals with these stages at different times and in different ways. I guess I am finally at stage seven. I feel for the first time in over a year and a half actually happy. Although with that happiness you feel guilt. Guilt for moving on, guilt for being happy and wanting to start life again. I know it's okay to be happy and I know she wouldn't want anything other than that, but you can't help feel that way. I guess you kind of want to stay in that grief because that is when you feel closest to them. When I started to begin moving forward and being happy I felt as if I were leaving her behind. But I am working on it and I am so glad God has helped me to get to this point. I have a wonderful husband that loves me and would do anything for me and I have a beautiful son that thinks I hung the moon. I have many blessings to be thankful for and I count them every night. It's a struggle to get through something like this and without God I could not have done it. I am thankful for all my wonderful family and friends that have been there. I think about my mother everyday and probably will until the day I die.
She was such an amazing woman. So from now on I am going to try be happy and to just be the person she knew I could be. <3
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